Adam and Jackie both appeared to be protecting themselves from each other when they walked into my office.
Adam was a big 6-foot something man who had a dominating presence. Jackie was quieter, but when she did speak it was with a lot of emotion.



DESCRIPTION OF COUPLE
Adam (31) and Jackie (27) had had a lot of challenges over the past year. Jackie had been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that had in and out of the hospital. She also felt pretty terrible a lot of the time. Above are several quotes they shared with me in the first session.

Adam had moved out a few months earlier and hadn’ t shared the address of his new apartment. This was a major trigger for Jackie and it was clearly impacting the sense of safety and security she felt about the relationship.



DESCRIPTION OF COUNSELOR
Stephan Gombis, BA, MSMFT, LCPC
Sprout Hope Now

Stephan specializes in individual, couples and family therapy. Stephan is an interactive, solution-focused therapist. His therapeutic approach is to provide support and practical feedback to help clients effectively address personal life challenges. He integrates complementary methodologies and techniques to offer a highly personalized approach, tailored to each client. With compassion and understanding, he works with each individual and couple to help them build on their strengths and attain the personal growth they are committed to accomplishing.



FIRST MEETING IMPRESSIONS
My initial impressions for this couple were that they were both good people, smart and did care for each other. The problem was they made a series of poor decisions and neither was willing to admit their own contributions.

On the other hand they were both very willing to point out their partner’ s. And how they went about this was destroying whatever trust and safety was left.

GETTING STARTED
To help Adam and Jackie begin to dialogue on conversations that had become gridlocked, I asked them to pick one regrettable incident that as an unresolved conflict in their marriage. Then I slowly had them talk about their own experience with the incident (how they felt, what happened from their point of view, what it triggered in them, what set them up, what their own contribution was, what they were sorry for, what they would do differently the next time, and once suggestion for their partner to change the next time).

I knew if Adam and Jackie slowed down how they processed their conversations they would hear some new things that would change their perspectives about each other.



A LIFE-CHANGING BREAKTHROUGH
Adam realized that his leaving and distancing emotionally unintentionally made Jackie feel like she couldn’t be honest about her feelings and that made her feel unsafe. He realized that Moving out was not the only decision he could have made and it really hurt Jackie.

Jackie realized that she demands a lot from Adam and when he tries to help he still gets verbally punished. It’ s not a good signal to keep showing up.

MOVING FORWARD
To help these two keep their newfound momentum going, the first assignment I asked them to practice what is called, “The Stress Reducing Conversation” where they take turns sharing the stresses and successes of their days while the other partner just listens without fixing for 10-15 minutes.