Mark seemed withdrawn and Sally reserved.
They both smiled, but it was obvious they were tired and frustrated with the state of their marriage.



DESCRIPTION OF COUPLE
Mark (38) was a successful small business owner in the I.T. field and Sally (37) was an engineer that recently got laid off. Both were very kind and respectful but I could tell they had some issues to work through.



DESCRIPTION OF COUNSELOR
Stephan Gombis, BA, MSMFT, LCPC
Sprout Hope Now

Stephan specializes in individual, couples and family therapy. Stephan is an interactive, solution-focused therapist. His therapeutic approach is to provide support and practical feedback to help clients effectively address personal life challenges. He integrates complementary methodologies and techniques to offer a highly personalized approach, tailored to each client. With compassion and understanding, he works with each individual and couple to help them build on their strengths and attain the personal growth they are committed to accomplishing.



FIRST MEETING IMPRESSIONS
When Mark and Sally came in for counseling they both seemed reserved. Neither Mark nor Sally wanted to step on the other’s toes, but it was obvious that something wasn’t working. Mark shared that he was frustrated that they hadn’t had sex in over 7 months. Sally fired back that he constantly harped on her about her weight and that didn’t make her feel attractive.

From hearing their brief back and forth about the issue I noticed how quickly they became competitive with each other. And in order for them to work together I had to talk with Mark about how he brought up the issue of intimacy.

GETTING STARTED
I shared with them how important it was to start a conversation off on the right foot with a “soft startup”. If Sally felt a hint of criticism, or contempt she would get defensive and stonewall her husband. And this is exactly what happened when he would criticize her about her weight or share his frustration with their lack of intimacy.

So I asked Mark to make a list of feelings he experienced about this issue and determine which was most accurate before talking with Sally. He named several as I wrote them down on a whiteboard. After making a list of 6 or 7 it became clear that feeling unloved was at the heart of the issue for him.

The next step I told him was to state a factual observation that even Sally would agree with and then under exaggerate it. After giving him a few examples of what I was talking about, he came up with, “It’s been a few days since we’ve had sex.”

Sally instantly smiled and laughed, because she knew that was grossly under estimated.

Finally I asked Mark to state what he was looking for? Or what he needed to not feel unloved. He said, “Sally, I just need to know you still love me and find me attractive. If we could have sex once a week I think that would be enough. And I’m willing to do what you need to make that work.”



A LIFE-CHANGING BREAKTHROUGH
The work on improving how Mark started the conversations had a big impact on this couple. For the first time, they were able to talk without Sally going into defense mode. More conversations still needed to take place about the impact Mark’s comments about Sally’s weight had on their lack of intimacy, but there were off to a good start.

MOVING FORWARD
Both Sally and Mark committed to practicing this soft startup about smaller issues at least once a week for several weeks so that they could build up their skills.